The loss of a sexual connection in a relationship can be painful and confusing. Most relationships start with a high level of sexual attraction that feels as if it could last forever. Then time moves on and life happens and we find ourselves with nothing more at the end of the day than a peck on the cheek. It could be that you now sleep in different beds or different rooms and that you go to bed at different times.

Some relationships may not be entirely sexless but it may feel as though it only happens on special occasions or as a form of reward. Some couples are aware that it has become less over time but that it seems too difficult a situation to discuss.

5 main reasons why sex disappears from a relationship;

1. Loss of libido due to medical conditions in one or both partners
2. Demands of family life
3. Life stage/Aging (including menopause)
4. Dissatisfaction with other areas of the relationship
5. Dissatisfaction with the sexual performance of yourself or your partner.

There are a lot of ways that therapy can help with this including identifying underlying problems within the relationship that may be a bar to intimacy or helping you to become more skilled in this area.

For many people, sex disappeared in their relationship a long time ago and they simply never talk about it with their partners. It becomes too difficult to address or a source of upset and conflict for you both. It is not unusual for us to see clients that have not had a sexual side to their relationship for over 10 years. It seems to be simply a sad fact that this part of the relationship has deteriorated. Many couples see this as a natural progression and there is no doubt that the sex that we had when the relationship began is very hard to replicate as the relationship progresses. I entitled this blog ‘Sex is the glue’ and what I mean by this is for a lot of my clients, the lack of sex in the relationship is a deal breaker. When they married their partner they did not say, ‘…in sickness and in health and when we start to live like housemates’. They feel that a promise made has been broken.

Sex is what differentiates the couple relationship from all other relationships that we experience. We do things with our partners that we do not do with anybody else in our family grouping. Sex can foster that sense of how we are valued by our partner and it can become how we take the temperature of the relationship. Everything else can seem to be going well; our partner cares for us, is interested in us and to the outside world we seem happy but for the partner who is grieving the loss of the sexual side of the relationship, the other elements can start to feel hollow.
Sometimes we see clients who have become heavily involved in what could be termed, displacement activities. We are not having sex anymore but the garden looks fantastic! Or we don’t have sex but I’m always at work so I don’t really notice it. In The State of Affairs by Esther Perel (2017), she discusses the sexless marriage in some depth and describes how some marital beds may as well have a NO ENTRY sign on the headboard. She also states that when this situation is one sided it makes us more vulnerable to wanting the physical attention of others.

Research suggests that less than ten sexual encounters with our partners a year may as well be nothing. I think that may come as a shock to a lot of people. Our culture tends to minimise the importance of couple sex. It is almost accepted as the norm that sex within a committed and longer term relationship will dwindle down to nothing over time. I am not suggesting that we should maintain the same level of interest that characterised the early years of the relationship but it seems a shame that the sexless relationship isn’t taken more seriously before serious issues arise. Many couples that I work with only arrive after the affair has taken place and the deep resentment caused by a lack of intimacy and affection has become an entrenched part of the relationship.

There are lots of reasons why couples may need to sleep in separate beds and we all know that sleeplessness is s terrible thing but this again suggests that sex and intimacy have become something that only takes place when the lights are off. Sex may now only happen at night after we have turned off the TV. This lack of spontaneity is particularly noticeable when children make an appearance (and I do mean in all sense of the word!) and can sometimes begin with a baby in the bedroom. I have worked with a lot of couples where the Dad spends more time sleeping in the child’s room than the child when the toddler takes up residence in the parent’s bed. These are some of the issues that we can be addressed in therapy and they often based around subconscious ideas of good and bad parenting (more of that in another blog!!)

We can’t raise the dead but we can help you to find ways to discuss this problem with your partner. It doesn’t need to be the end of the relationship, it may just be something that needs to be brought out into the open.

If you are both (and that is the key word in this sentence) happy that your relationship has become a sex free zone then there should be no reason for you to seek therapy but if it’s something that you miss then give us a shout.